3 Common Mistakes in Parenting Anxious Children and Teens
Well-meaning but common parent mistakes
Your child’s worries seem to impact many areas of their life. You aren’t a counsellor, therapist or child psychologist, but know there has to be something you can do (or not do) that can help your child. I specialize in working with anxious children and teens in Red Deer and I’ve come across 3 common mistakes parents make when trying to support their child.
Mistake #3: Letting anxiety dictate parenting
Despite your child’s struggles, they still need a parent. They still need rules, routine and expectations. Sure, some things may need to be accommodated but your child still needs rules around sleep, cell phone or technology use and encouragement for healthy living (eg. getting outside, getting exercise, connecting with healthy friends, eating well, getting appropriate sleep etc.). If social media is the source of the anxiety, set appropriate limits. If it’s academic struggles, support a discussion with the school. And if it’s something that is causing impairment in functioning, reach out and seek professional support.
Mistake #2: Saying “Don’t Worry”
In addition to it possibly being perceived as invalidating, it just doesn’t help. When you are angry and someone tells you to “calm down” or “don’t be mad”, does it help? NO! Rather it usually makes us more upset (think “don’t tell me to calm down”). The same goes for anxiety. “Don’t worry” just doesn’t help and at times, can trigger anger (the fight response).
The Biggest Mistake: Answering excessive reassurance seeking questions
Answering the excessive reassurance questions over and over, although well-meaning, actually reinforces anxiety (you know, those questions they ask over and over, not because they don’t know the answer but because they are trying to manage their anxiety). Anxious children frequently seek parents for reassurance that everything will be ok. And parents to answer, trying to make their child feel safe and secure. The problem…this actually reinforces anxiety, making it worse! Every time you answer your child’s excessive reassurance questions it’s like you are feeding their “worry bully”. Your child isn’t learning how to deal with their anxiety. We want your child to start answering their own questions allowing them to fight their own “worry bully” by combatting their own worried thoughts. As they continue to answer their own questions, it becomes easier to talk back to the worry, leading to better success in managing and overcoming anxiety. Parents, answer questions your child may not know the answer to, but once an answer has been provided, ask them to answer the question (eg. “hmmm...can you tell me what we are doing today?).
Want more support, free 15 minute consultation
Now you know some of the common mistakes parents make trying to help their anxious child. Maybe you are surprised about these and maybe you are thinking, now I need to learn more about how I can be most helpful during anxious moments. If you are interested in attending parent support sessions, feel free to contact me at 403-588-4222 for a free 15 minute phone consultation. If you have a child or teen struggling with anxiety, click HERE to learn more about the services I provide.